What nobody taught you when you became the boss

You were made the boss because you were good at what you did. On Monday you were one more member of the team; by Tuesday you had people reporting to you, targets to hit and, with luck, a quick “congrats” in the corridor. Instruction manual: none.

If something similar is happening to you, you are not alone: it happens to almost everyone. What got you here is not always what you need to keep going. These are six things I have learned while accompanying people who manage teams, projects or resources. I don’t have all the answers, and I’m sure you can think of others, but maybe one of them will help.

1. Your job shifts from doing to enabling others to do

I think this is the hardest change, and the one least often said out loud. For years you were measured by what you could solve yourself. Now you are measured by what your team achieves.

The temptation is to keep solving everything: “I’ll do it, it’s quicker.” And it works… for a few weeks. After that, you often run out of time, your team gets fewer chances to learn, and you end up as the bottleneck without meaning to.

A question that can help: what am I doing that someone else could perhaps do?

2. Your words weigh more than you imagine

A comment that used to be one opinion among colleagues can now be taken as a signal. A passing “I’m not convinced” can stall a project. A silence, a raised eyebrow or an unanswered message all get interpreted.

It’s not about weighing every word, but about being aware that you now have more echo. And about clarifying what you mean, often.

3. Your relationship with former colleagues changes

That doesn’t mean you can’t be close. It means you now have to make decisions that affect people you used to have coffee with. And that sometimes you won’t be able to tell them everything you know.

What usually helps most is clarity: explain how you are going to work, what you expect and what they can expect from you. Ambiguity tends to be what damages these relationships most.

4. You won’t always be liked, and that’s fine

If you want everyone to be happy with you, it’s easy to end up making worse decisions. Prioritising means saying no to good things. Giving feedback means causing a little discomfort. Holding a standard means coming across as demanding.

You can be respectful and firm at the same time. And I think that’s exactly what a team appreciates: someone who stays calm when things get difficult.

5. You’re in the middle, and that wears you down

From above, they ask you for results. From below, they ask you for resources, clarity and support. And you have to translate, defend and sometimes absorb the pressure from both sides.

If you’re a middle manager, this will sound familiar. And it’s worth saying without embarrassment: it’s one of the most demanding positions in any organisation, and the people who hold it are not always looked after.

6. Almost nobody will tell you how you’re doing, so it’s worth asking

When you were an individual contributor, your work was visible: you delivered something and someone assessed it. As a boss, feedback tends to disappear. Your team doesn’t always give it to you, out of caution, and it’s common for your own managers to talk to you only when there are problems.

So it’s worth going out to look for it. Ask, listen calmly and be grateful for what you hear, even when it’s hard.

What you can do this week

You don’t need to change everything. If you feel like it, you can try three small things:

1. Pick a task you’re still doing yourself and decide who you could hand it to, with the context they need for it to go well.
2. Ask someone on your team: “What would help you from me that I’m not doing right now?” And wait for the answer without defending yourself.
3. Find someone to talk things through with: a colleague from another area, a mentor, a coach. Being the boss doesn’t have to be lonely.

Nobody is born knowing how to lead. You learn little by little, and it helps to have someone to think it through with.

Which of these six things do you wish you had known sooner?

If you manage a team or a project and would like to talk it over with someone, write to me and let’s discuss it in a 30-minute conversation, with no commitment.